La patria es ara y no pedestal
Вчера мой французский друг Алекс прислал мне такой вот "гайд" по Франции для американских туристов. Для сохранения специфики текста читать его надо или по-английски или никак. Привожу ниже в надежде на относительную эксклюзивность:
--------------------- пошёл английский текст -------------
Due to the French position wanting to veto a UN Security
Council Resolution aimed at liberating Iraq, the following
advisory for American travellers heading for France has been
issued. It was compiled from information provided by the State
Department, the CIA, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and
Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, the FBI
and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't
know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.
== General Overview ==
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the
continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world
community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is
bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller
nations of no particular consequence and with not very good
shopping.France is a very old country with many treasures,
such! as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions
to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese
and the guillotine.
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation,
air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to
get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for
American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in
speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at.
As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.
== The People ==
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom
drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are
dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing
patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy,
very temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and
undisciplined; and those are their good points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would
hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are
communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes
have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when
they hand out medals.
American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to
wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual
recognition.
== Safety ==
In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are
advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By
tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart
from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased
difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices,
life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel
connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has
been opened in recent years to make it easier for the
Government to flee to London.
== History ==
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other
important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan
of Arc, Jacques Cousteau, and Charles de Gaulle, who was
President for many years and is now an airport.
== Government ==
The French form of government is democratic but noisy.
<...> Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower
(though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor),
whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither
of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal
preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South
Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains.
According to the most current State Department intelligence,
the President now is someone named Jacques. Further
information is not available at this time.
== Culture ==
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not
easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have
hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for
anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more
boring than a French novel.
== Cuisine ==
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a
snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the
other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most
Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are
advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as
Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
== Economy ==
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to
Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because French
people hardly work at all.
If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they
are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and
tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to
the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided
missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade
launchers,land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous
armaments and cheese.
== Public Holidays ==
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world.
Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37
National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54
Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War
Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17
Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great
and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important
holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the
Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National
Guillotine Day (November 12).
== Conclusion ==
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied
landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a
very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people.
== A Word of Warning ==
The consular services of the United States government are
intended solely for the promotion of the interests of
American businesses which constitute an asset to our bilateral
relationship such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola
Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or
serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to
the American Embassy between the hours of 5.20 am and 5.23 am
on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official (French
Local) who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give
you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly
useless.
--------------- закончился английский текст -----------------
Здесь и сейчас звучит: Kraftwerk - Heimcomputer
--------------- из Избранного -----------------
tigranik
--------------- дальше опять своё -------------
Для тех, кто скучал от вполне понятного незнания языка на всём протяжении этого текста -- немного искусства. Фрагмент картины Зураба Баззаева "Конь Чхоллимà", обои, гуашь. Картина написана в 1999 году во Владикавказе. Уцелели только репродукции
, а оригинал утерян.
--------------------- пошёл английский текст -------------
Due to the French position wanting to veto a UN Security
Council Resolution aimed at liberating Iraq, the following
advisory for American travellers heading for France has been
issued. It was compiled from information provided by the State
Department, the CIA, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and
Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, the FBI
and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't
know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.
== General Overview ==
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the
continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world
community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is
bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller
nations of no particular consequence and with not very good
shopping.France is a very old country with many treasures,
such! as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions
to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese
and the guillotine.
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation,
air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to
get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for
American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in
speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at.
As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.
== The People ==
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom
drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are
dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing
patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy,
very temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and
undisciplined; and those are their good points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would
hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are
communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes
have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when
they hand out medals.
American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to
wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual
recognition.
== Safety ==
In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are
advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By
tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart
from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased
difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices,
life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel
connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has
been opened in recent years to make it easier for the
Government to flee to London.
== History ==
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other
important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan
of Arc, Jacques Cousteau, and Charles de Gaulle, who was
President for many years and is now an airport.
== Government ==
The French form of government is democratic but noisy.
<...> Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower
(though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor),
whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither
of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal
preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South
Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains.
According to the most current State Department intelligence,
the President now is someone named Jacques. Further
information is not available at this time.
== Culture ==
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not
easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have
hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for
anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more
boring than a French novel.
== Cuisine ==
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a
snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the
other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most
Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are
advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as
Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
== Economy ==
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to
Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because French
people hardly work at all.
If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they
are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and
tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to
the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided
missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade
launchers,land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous
armaments and cheese.
== Public Holidays ==
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world.
Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37
National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54
Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War
Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17
Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great
and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important
holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the
Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National
Guillotine Day (November 12).
== Conclusion ==
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied
landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a
very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people.
== A Word of Warning ==
The consular services of the United States government are
intended solely for the promotion of the interests of
American businesses which constitute an asset to our bilateral
relationship such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola
Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or
serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to
the American Embassy between the hours of 5.20 am and 5.23 am
on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official (French
Local) who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give
you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly
useless.
--------------- закончился английский текст -----------------
Здесь и сейчас звучит: Kraftwerk - Heimcomputer
--------------- из Избранного -----------------
tigranik
--------------- дальше опять своё -------------
Для тех, кто скучал от вполне понятного незнания языка на всём протяжении этого текста -- немного искусства. Фрагмент картины Зураба Баззаева "Конь Чхоллимà", обои, гуашь. Картина написана в 1999 году во Владикавказе. Уцелели только репродукции
, а оригинал утерян.
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07.05.2003 в 20:30-
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07.05.2003 в 23:33- In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people.
- France's principal exports, in order of importance to
the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided
missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry,...
- 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days
А самый большой катарсис вот это:
and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.
По поводу вот этого:
In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once...
Левые рассуждения о войне и мире:
Довелось мне наблюдать живых французов и немцев на международной молодежной встрече в Швеции... Надо было видеть, какую бурю взаимных колкостей они могут поднять друг на друга! И всё это делается относительно беззлобно (немцы, правда, сильнее заводились) и не выходит за рамки здорового стёба. Мне подумалось: сколько раз два народа должны схлестнуться между собой, чтобы у них наконец атрофировалась взаимная злопамятность хотя бы до уровня этих немцев и французов...
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08.05.2003 в 01:57-
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08.05.2003 в 02:07А полностью картину нельзя посмотреть?
Можно... Надеюсь, получится ссылка, а не сюда вставится...
http://cisterna.euro.ru/zura.jpg
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08.05.2003 в 02:26А полностью картину нельзя посмотреть?
Ну а это оригинал (вставляю картинкой) -- памятник в Пхеньяне. Конь Чхоллимà -- это легендарный конь из корейской мифологии, который умел летать со скоростью (в переводе в метрическую систему) 300-500 км/ч (истинный вертолёт). С конём Чхоллимà жители КНДР сравнивают рост корейской экономики в 50-60 гг, когда страну восстанавливали после очередной американской "освободительной" выходки...
Недавно в одном блоге (Спектатор?) читал мнение одного человека, что Саддам ещё мягкий диктатор, а вот куда точно давно побросать бомбы -- так это на север Кореи, где (по мнению этого чела) "всё запущено". Было обидно до слёз. Надо же, как эффективно работает "жёлтое веяние" из США...
Пора спать.
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09.05.2003 в 13:54One continuing exasperation for
American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in
speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at.
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10.05.2003 в 01:59Имхо, французы молодцы. Они реально ничем не хуже англичан -- и для них говорить с англичанами по-английски так же неестественно, как... не знаю, как осетинам с кабардинцами по-кабардински... или с ингушами по-ингушски... всех языков не выучишь, даже если некоторые из них называют себя world language.